A Simple, Hard-To-Say Truth

Hi. I'm a working mom. Even though I worked part-time last year, I still worked five days a week. Even though I just decided to take next year off from my regularly scheduled work, I will still be working. Amazingly, as a teacher, I have most of the summer as a reprieve from working to focus on time with my son. Working moms have a hard balancing act, obviously, but I never really understood how hard until I became one.

The choices we make. Are very personal. Are easy for others to judge. Are really, truly our own. Are not always the best ones, even when we try really hard. Do I wish I had the ability to stay home the first three, four, five years of my son's life? Sure, in many ways. The idea scares me, too, as much of my identity is wrapped up in my career. Or even just interacting on a professional level, if I had a different career. So, if given the choice, I don't know that I would want to stay home full-time for that long.

But here's the truth I recently admitted: my son does better when I'm home. Don't get me wrong, we've had some wonderful care-providers who have loved him fully, but I'm Mama. He has gradually transitioned to not having milk while I'm gone. That's fine, and maybe even natural, though I fought it by pumping even when it was hard and unproductive and getting his nanny to push the milk whatever way possible--sippy cup, in food, etc. But now I'm home, and he gets as much milk as he wants. During the hours I used to be gone, he nurses at least twice. So, he's getting the nutrition from milk AND food, and many may say he doesn't NEED the milk, but it's certainly healthy for him.

And sleep. He's finally getting on a schedule that was not happening while I was working. The only way for our nanny and my parents to get him to sleep was by going for a long walk. This made for an interesting winter. It made for a frustrated nanny many times, until she just succumbed to it and planned accordingly. My mom just looked at it as a way to get in all of her daily steps.

Now I'm able to work out the sleep issues that have built up, from bedtime to nap time. One informs the other. The chicken and the egg. Not that we are done. Currently I am going back and forth between a one-nap day and a two-nap day, depending on when he awakes. 

That my son does better when I'm home must be the most obvious statement in the world to some of you. But we who work, while we try hard to see the situation for what it is, do everything we can to soften transitions, and see the big picture as well, sometimes justify our need or choice to work over what is best for our kid. I am still grappling with this and I'm not done. Down the line, there are probably elements where I'll be proud for O to see me with a career, see my values played out in my work, when he has a teacher, for him to recognize that his mama is also a teacher to other kids. Down the line, maybe without knowing what I'm missing, I'll recognize that O is more well-rounded when his mama is well-rounded, intellectually stimulated and in touch with the world, not isolated or unfamiliar with how to talk to adults. For right now, I am simply going to enjoy every moment of these three months being at home, for him and with him.

Summer Begins... With a Solid Plan for Next Year

It hasn't really hit me yet, but I am finished with teaching for three months, and finished with five-day-a-week, responsible for my own classroom and curriculum gig--for a year! Next year, I'm taking leave of absence to be home with O more, and I'm planning to substitute in the district. The goal is to work two or three days a week, mostly in my own school, and still make as much money as I made last year, after childcare expenses. Finally, the solution to my work-life-balance with child dilemma.

Subbing will be a great challenge for me. I say "great" because, while I never intended to sub--it always sounded miserable, I hate seeing the way students treat a sub, my strength has always been with building longer-term relationships with students--I believe it will make me a better teacher. The areas of weakness I currently recognize in my teacher-self are the same aspects I will have to nail to survive as a sub: being concise, making a strong first impression, letting go of what is not important, and being entertaining. Since I value my teacher-identity, I really do want to improve in these areas.

You see, a good teacher shouldn't only entertain, but kids certainly remember, relax, and learn more from a teacher who is funny and easy to listen to. Therefore, my public-speaking skills will need improvement, in the same way that people work to improve on them when their success does not rely on a captive audience. I want to be FUNNY, but I'll shoot for entertaining. Some students told me a long time ago that I'm funniest when I try not to be. Even though it may have been a jab, no one, aside from stand-up comics or SNL cast members, is really funny when they are trying too hard.

I want to make a strong first impression. I read that the first 10 words out of a sub's mouth will set the tone for the whole day. This won't be too hard for me, because I know how to be the alpha in the room, but I usually develop that over a longer period of time, so I will be very conscious of how this goes.

Being concise. I hate hearing myself talk too much when I know that kids are tuning out. When I tell stories, or get animated, or get off-topic, they refocus, of course. I want to keep it short and make the words I say COUNT. That is a skill for every aspect of my life, but here's a chance to practice and receive immediate feedback.

Letting go the little stuff and focusing on what is most important will be essential as a sub. I'm not very good about this in general; I dwell on the wrong things or accidentally get into power struggles that serve no one in the class. Without knowing everyone's names, their actual assigned seats, the general tone of the room, I won't be able to worry about the little things. I got some advice from a professional sub to present my three expectations at the beginning, then stick to those three things and let the others go. What are my three things ...

Last, or perhaps first, I think that a good way for a sub to make an impact is to have some stories ready to share, and use them strategically. When the students are at risk of tuning out, as incentive to get 15 minutes of work done, as a way to hook into engagement, etc.

Really, what I want is to be as engaging as a TED talk presenter! Does anyone have more great wisdom for me?

Why Don't You Ever Write About Teaching?

Hi. I'm a teacher. It's in the title of my blog (which is, by the way, chronological, not in order of importance. Obviously.) I often write about work, as in, work is hard as a new parent, even if I'm working part-time, and I went to work and ... or pumping at work is... but do I actually teach? And what do I have to say about it? And why haven't I yet?

Well, it's complicated. I love teaching. It's rewarding, wonderful, frustrating, overwhelming, and never finished. It's been a part of my identity for a long time, since I was a teacher-entertainer in rural Japan, wishing and reaching for more responsibility. This year I have an especially challenging group to teach that I should've started to tackle before I was a parent, you know, back when teachers put in hours and hours of extra time at their jobs.

I'm teaching a literacy class, which is extra reading and writing practice for all students in the district (in addition to their regular Language Arts class) and my particular group, according to test scores, are a few years behind grade level for reading. That means so many things.

First, it means that many of them are disillusioned, disengaged, disinterested, and distracted. For most of them it means that the first seven or eight years of their school life has been frustrating and unpleasant, academically. It usually means that rather than the habits of success that we hope students have been learning, they have been instead learning how to survive in classes where they were not engaged. they have mastered the habits of fake literacy, distracting the teacher, getting others off-track to join their lack of engagement, and getting attention for something, if not for "getting it", then at least for being a distractor. Some have mastered the habit of checking out. Some bounce off the walls and are in some ways too engaged, they have no filter and shout out their opinions on everything, having a de facto debate with me with their peers as audience. I find myself saying way more often than I'd like: "sit down!" I wish they could run around outside, jump on a treadmill or something, instead of being expected to sit for six hours a day. ADHD or not, it seems unnatural to expect this, yet in our school system, the kids who can muster the strength to endure this are the ones who succeed. 

The concept of leveling classes is somewhat controversial. In middle school, the idea is that for the most part, students should be grouped by age, and ability should be taken into account by the teacher's curriculum and instruction--differentiated, so that there is an access point for every ability. This is very hard. On the other hand, grouping students by ability, while quite nice for the students "at the top", puts all students with learning struggles together to bounce off of each other and create chaos. And very little modeling of appropriate behavior goes on. 

That is what happens in my class, though I'd say I have three types of students. The first is described above. They are the disengaged, overactive, struggling students that are typical of many boys in middle school. Another type are just poor test-takers or have a different way of learning, or perhaps reading and writing just isn't their strength, but they still enjoy reading, barely recognize that their skills are low, and are perfectly willing to participate readily in class. 

And a few are like Shannah*. She was recently expelled for repeated drug possession. At age 14, she was already using pot as a coping mechanism, smoking pretty much every day, coming to school every other day, doing her best under her current condition (how often was she high in my class? I don't even want to imagine) and failing. Some of the girls in her situation are mature beyond their years, or at least exposed to things that take a maturity beyond middle school, whether they are ready for it or not. They developed early, didn't fit in to the "good girl" mold and chose the darker, more rebellious corners of school. They started by experimenting with pot or alcohol. They may have started having sex. They certainly aren't interested in reading some book about a girl in love with a vampire or a middle school boy pulling pranks on his friends. (Even Hunger Games didn't hook them.) I have a handful of these girls, and perhaps one or two boys in similar circumstances.  I had Shannah for a year and a half before she was expelled. She was placed in a new program that is finally available to middle schoolers, for students who can't find success after multiple tries in the regular system. I don't know if that's going to help her, but I guess I didn't, so I hope she can find some success.

So, are you getting why I don't write about teaching very much? Once I start, it's pretty hard to stop. Obviously on the weekends and in the evenings, I'd rather not contemplate all of this when I could be watching my baby grow up. I could be starting down a road of disillusionment with our current system and my job, even with the incredible support of my administrators and colleagues. I definitely feel the insurmountable challenges every day and do my best. Often I wonder if I'm the best teacher for this particular group of students. Sometimes I think they would do better with a really rad male rapper teacher with a beard who uses slang and can connect with them on a "cool" level. I know I have my strengths but I'm not him. This particularly challenging to engage group might not find me to be the one they most connect with. I can objectively see that AND still want very much to reach them. 

We have laptops. This year my classes (being the smallest and needing a lot of support) was chosen to work with Google Chrome Books. They are fantastic and they do draw them in from the edges. We are working toward blogging as a class, students getting individual blogs, online journaling, lots of videos, articles, digital literacy, and so much more. We use them almost every day. I think this will be positive memory and skill-set to work with. 

As for me, I still want to do my best every day, and often do. I still want to learn more tools for engaging these kids, I still want to find ways to reach them. I still reach out to my colleagues for ways to better my own practice. I still have really frustrating days where nothing feels it is going as well as it should for the moral imperative that teachers carry: each kid needs a teacher to connect to strongly, to really see them and reach them and push them, for success. How many kids will see me as that teacher? If they don't, am I wasting their time?

There. I wrote about teaching. 


*Name changed.

Fall Update and Big Questions

Hi. It's been a while. Thanksgiving has occurred. Solid foods are happening. O's body is inching toward various crawl-like positions, and the desire to move without the full understanding of how is making him alternate from frustration to excitement and back again. Working and having a babe is still hard, even though I'm working part time.

Thanksgiving: we had a very quiet one with my mom and step-dad, O, Shannon and I. And O's favorite new being, Ollie the cat. Now this cat is not like any other cat I have met. He's a Dr. Suess cat, with a long, curling orange tail and body that springs out of his tail. He purrs like a Tibetan Throat Singer. I think he has a triple purr. O's face upon touching his soft, orange fur is pure bliss. So much so that I may have convinced Papa that we need to get a cat for him. There is one caveat: we must get rid of our shedding rug before we get another "pet". 

Working. I know I have little to complain about compared to most. But I have to say, this working thing isn't currently working very well for me. Maybe it's because I'm working almost as hard as I did full time and every month don't know if I'm going to have enough money to cover my basics. After paying for four days worth of childcare from my part-time check, I have about $600-700 left for my student loan and groceries. Will I need to use a handful of change to get gas? Will I need to float the check to my childcare person or ask her (god forbid) to wait a day to cash it? Will I need to make something with all of the dry goods I have in the kitchen and avoid shopping again? Will I need to sell back clothes that I actually want to keep, rather than just the ratty ones that no one wants to take anyway? Now, I know I'm being a bit dramatic. My husband still has a full time job and we have only reduced our expenses somewhat. I still go to New Seasons a few times a month. I still get  a hot beverage when I really think I deserve a treat. We still have cable (i.e. high speed internet).  But there is something about a bank account being tight that affects me psychologically more than it should. It takes up more emotional space than it needs to. The stress affects other parts of my life inordinately.

It could be because I don't feel I can really give my all to my job, and at times I feel like I don't give my all to O because I'm distracted by work. I'm sure this push-pull will always exist. Some days though, I feel like I don't do anything well when I try to do everything. Would starting new jobs feel the same way? Is it easier to just push through this and keep doing something I know, rather than start something new that will take more of my energy to get started?

Sometimes the effects are on my milk supply. Feeling rushed at school when pumping, feeling pressured in the morning when I'm getting ready, and feeling stressed in general all take a toll on my milk supply, and I'm not producing as much. 

The long and short of it is that I have started looking at other options for work. My boss has actually suggested that I could take the rest of the year as unpaid leave of absence and still have my job in the fall. I wanted to quit right then, but I still need to come up with that $700+ a month. There must be some work that allows me to be home more days a week and make that much money. If nothing else, there's taking care of someone else's kid at the same time as taking care of O, for maybe 10-15 hours weekly. I've applied to some online jobs that look promising, and if I can come up with enough semi-guaranteed work, I will take that leave of absence!

How it was hard

[This week I went back to work as a teacher. We didn't have students yet, but I worked four days part time, and here are my thoughts so far.]

The photo I'm using at the lactation station to help me pump

It was hard in ways different than I expected. I thought it would just be hard to leave O and be away from him. That too, was difficult. The vulnerability of pumping at work and the minor but humorous (in retrospect) challenges I've encountered so far might be a whole different blog post. But more than that, it has been hard to adjust to all the things it means to be a teacher. At least, all the things it used to mean to me. I am enjoying reconnecting with colleagues, feeling professional, getting some intellectual stimulation. But as a teacher, I put my all and my heart into the work. Not just extra time beyond what I was paid, but extra energy and presence.  Working part time, I think I'll be able to cut back on the time I spend, and cut out unnecessary tasks, but do I cut back on the energy I give my students and my job? Or do I increase the energy I put out to have enough for both my baby and my job (and my husband, and myself)?

Getting prepared in the morning is a good metaphor for what I feel about the whole process. There are too many things for my brain to remember, too many items to pack. I have to get the breast pump, the pump materials, the milk, the milk carrier, the diaper bag and all its contents, the extra items that don't fit into the diaper bag, the pacifier, then any work items like my laptop, books or paperwork, my lunch, water, oh, and the baby. It's too much for my little brain to keep track of.

And my heart. My friend Kristy says that having a kid is like having your heart on the outside. She says it's like "there goes my heart, toddling away from me". And my heart has definitely expanded since O has been born. So now, the question is, is there room in my heart for both O and my students/job? Will my heart expand, or will I need to make choices about what to allow in and what to keep out? Obviously, I will keep my baby closest to my heart.

Still, I know that being a parent will make me a better teacher, in the ways that count. I will fully know that each of my students is somebody's baby, that somebody loved and loves him as much as I love this child. Parenting choices made after that are another story, though I'll probably be more empathetic about the difficulty of making these choices.

So, if you have any wisdom on how to make this adjustment easier, please send it my way. Otherwise, I'm wading through.