Someone recently asked me what to get for a new mom. I checked out a list on another blog, but noticed that her post was full of product endorsements. I think it's more helpful to give tips and advice about what kinds of gifts are useful to us, and other new parents with an alternative, eco-minded approach to parenting and life. While I only have one child, I still count--I mean--have done a lot of research and feel qualified to give the following advice.
First, let me mention again that Portland, OR is an amazing place to be an alternative, eco-minded parent. If you are reading this from elsewhere, you might have different resources available. I'd be interested to learn about your options and choices. Also, if you can help the overwhelmed parents get organized, sometimes it's nice to create a system where people can contribute to a big purchase item.
There are great sites online to make registries where you can just check off the items and buy them wherever is convenient/sustainable/local. Here's a link to another blog who already did the research so I don't have to: http://www.mom365.com/Wisdom/Pregnancy/Second%20Trimester/5%20Best%20Registry%20Sites.aspx
Consider these ideas if you're buying a shower or new baby gift for a family that wants to live as sustainably as reasonable (for them).
Clothes
Hand-me-downs are amazing. Check with the family to see if they are receiving hand-me-downs before buying a lot of clothes. Find out if they are getting just a certain age range, then get a different one.
If you do choose to buy clothes, second-hand shops are wonderful. The clothes are chosen carefully and a great deal more affordable than getting them new. Babies grow fast; some clothes never even get worn! There are also some eco-friendly shops that sell sustainable or fair trade baby clothes, if you must go new. A good pair of shoes for a 6-12 month-old is wonderful, as well. Try to avoid the cutesy clothes from the big box stores, as new, cheaply made clothes are sweat-shop made and just plain not necessary. Also, please avoid annoying gender-presumptive sayings all over the clothes that do not fit with the family you are buying for. "Daddy's Little Slugger", "Future Quarterback" or "Mommy's Little Princess" will most likely end up in the recycle bin, since second hand shops don't even want to go there.
Diapers
Find out what the family plans to do about diapers. There are hundreds of options and it's a pretty personal choice. Almost everyone will be doing a little bit of disposables, for example overnight or traveling times. There are chlorine free disposables, as well as more eco-friendly options as well. Many cloth diapers have a size minimum, so most babies will wear the itsy-bitsy newborn diapers for the first few weeks.
Cloth diapers are a big initial investment, but can save a family thousands of dollars over time. Most people choose one system and don't mix and match, because of the washing instructions and fitting combinations. If they are totally overwhelmed, a nice gift might be doing some research for them or buying a few single options for them to try out. There are some shops that sell just diapers, or online shops that will deliver. I asked my co-workers to each give me a diaper, as they were $17 a piece, and I got a perfect set of 20-25. Another helpful option is to contribute to the cost of a diaper service.
Craigslist
We bought all of our baby furniture, from a beautiful co-sleeper, dresser, crib, changing table, on Craigslist. I felt it was worth the effort. I'm not sure how logical it is to get a shower/baby gift this way, but it certainly is a wonderful marketplace of baby items. Always take precautions for safety and always ask about the working order before you set up the purchase.
Big Box Stores
Even the most sustainable parent will venture into a big box store from time to time. It's inevitable. We tried to have a registry at Target, but found that most items were only available online and limited. Babies R Us is made for baby gifts, it's laid out logically and it makes things easy. They do sell some organic products as well. On the other hand, everything is made in China, many of the items are cheaply made, and they are not likely to worry about what something is made of beyond safety recalls. I put Amazon.com in this category, too. There are more items available, but it works in much the same way. Items to get at a big box store:
- car seat (not recommended second hand)
- breast pump and accessories (also not recommended second-hand, but if you get one from a friend, that is ideal)
- furniture when you're over-budget and don't have time to browse craigslist
- baby gates, baby-proofing gadgets
Hello from Portlandia. The thing I love about this show is that it is so very accurate in making fun of the people here. And yet I still love living here, or rather, Portlandia's humor makes it easier to live here, easier to co-exist with the skinny vegan bicycle dude with a bird on his hat at the farmers' market asking for gluten free bagels. And yes, I am guilty of some of the same Colin-questioning as the next resident of Lala land.
In regards to baby making, we all generally get them in there the same way. But when it comes to getting them out & what to do with them once they are out, Portland(ia) has its own take on every aspect and I'm so very thankful to be living here. There are so many more alternatives available here for every aspect of child rearing. It's easy to accept the way we do it here as the norm, and I certainly wish it was in most cases. I forget that in the US, the rate of cesarean section is over 30% (http://www.childbirthconnection.org/article.asp?ck=10554) , that in some places, midwives are considered unusual or fringe and that breastfeeding for at least six months is at a rate of 47% nationally (CDC's Breastfeeding Report Card). Here in PDX, we are ahead of the game, which for childbirth means in some ways returning to the past, but with the benefits of today's medical technologies at hand. (PS: as I research this I noticed that Oregon has the highest rate in the nation for breastfeeding at three months and six months! Hurray!)
Take my birth for example: I worked with midwives at OHSU, one of the top teaching hospitals in the country. We had a doula to coach us through the birth. We took two classes, one was "Birthing from Within" (which Shannon could barely stomach) and another more conventional Basics of Birth class from Kaiser. In our birth plan, we had included hypnobirthing, water birth, and as many steps as possible to avoid drugs or other interventions. Once born, we co-slept with our baby, worked through many a breastfeeding issue with lactation consultants, breastfed exclusively for as long as possible (still happening), bought into all the alternative toys, carriers, and other baby gear, joined a moms' group with like-minded people, and attempted the newest thing in feeding: baby-led weaning.
Now don't get me wrong, I painstakingly researched every decision, and in the end I pretty much ended up doing what all the other moms of Portland(ia) were already doing.
I think that wherever you live, parenthood is a foray into confusing research, confounding choices and indoctrination into certain schools of thought. But somehow in Portland, there are just a lot more alternatives, or as some might see it, a lot more ways to go over the top with something. I don't care. It sure beats a hospital where doctors make all the choices for you, and going to Babies R Us for parenting information.
Hi. It's been a while. Thanksgiving has occurred. Solid foods are happening. O's body is inching toward various crawl-like positions, and the desire to move without the full understanding of how is making him alternate from frustration to excitement and back again. Working and having a babe is still hard, even though I'm working part time.
Thanksgiving: we had a very quiet one with my mom and step-dad, O, Shannon and I. And O's favorite new being, Ollie the cat. Now this cat is not like any other cat I have met. He's a Dr. Suess cat, with a long, curling orange tail and body that springs out of his tail. He purrs like a Tibetan Throat Singer. I think he has a triple purr. O's face upon touching his soft, orange fur is pure bliss. So much so that I may have convinced Papa that we need to get a cat for him. There is one caveat: we must get rid of our shedding rug before we get another "pet".
Working. I know I have little to complain about compared to most. But I have to say, this working thing isn't currently working very well for me. Maybe it's because I'm working almost as hard as I did full time and every month don't know if I'm going to have enough money to cover my basics. After paying for four days worth of childcare from my part-time check, I have about $600-700 left for my student loan and groceries. Will I need to use a handful of change to get gas? Will I need to float the check to my childcare person or ask her (god forbid) to wait a day to cash it? Will I need to make something with all of the dry goods I have in the kitchen and avoid shopping again? Will I need to sell back clothes that I actually want to keep, rather than just the ratty ones that no one wants to take anyway? Now, I know I'm being a bit dramatic. My husband still has a full time job and we have only reduced our expenses somewhat. I still go to New Seasons a few times a month. I still get a hot beverage when I really think I deserve a treat. We still have cable (i.e. high speed internet). But there is something about a bank account being tight that affects me psychologically more than it should. It takes up more emotional space than it needs to. The stress affects other parts of my life inordinately.
It could be because I don't feel I can really give my all to my job, and at times I feel like I don't give my all to O because I'm distracted by work. I'm sure this push-pull will always exist. Some days though, I feel like I don't do anything well when I try to do everything. Would starting new jobs feel the same way? Is it easier to just push through this and keep doing something I know, rather than start something new that will take more of my energy to get started?
Sometimes the effects are on my milk supply. Feeling rushed at school when pumping, feeling pressured in the morning when I'm getting ready, and feeling stressed in general all take a toll on my milk supply, and I'm not producing as much.
The long and short of it is that I have started looking at other options for work. My boss has actually suggested that I could take the rest of the year as unpaid leave of absence and still have my job in the fall. I wanted to quit right then, but I still need to come up with that $700+ a month. There must be some work that allows me to be home more days a week and make that much money. If nothing else, there's taking care of someone else's kid at the same time as taking care of O, for maybe 10-15 hours weekly. I've applied to some online jobs that look promising, and if I can come up with enough semi-guaranteed work, I will take that leave of absence!
What? Are you seeing birthing classes with women synchronizing their labor? No, I was trying to say that I'm a pusher. Of groups. One of the most valuable things to me as a new mom has been this moms' group I've been going to at Providence Hospital. I've written about it a bit, but it really deserves its own post. Any new mom I talk to gets an earful about how they should try the groups. Now that I'm back at work, I hardly ever make it now, and I miss it immensely.
The great thing about a group is that moms can get whatever they want out of it. I should say parents, because there are also some dads who come and seem to get a lot out of it as well. The format is super simple: 8-20 moms (or dads) sitting around in a circle, their 0-6 month old babes on a blanket, talking, feeding, changing diapers, tending to the babies in groups There is also a knowledgeable facilitator who keeps things on track. Besides giving birth, this has probably been the closest thing that has connected me to the primal aspect of being a mother. Sitting isolated in an apartment, seeing only a husband all day is not the way that humans developed for millions of years, and it isn't the way to nurture moms and babies. As I learned early on in relationships with men, one person is not enough to satisfy me--I need a community of others, especially women, to feel fulfilled in my life.
But even if that is not you, the groups are incredibly useful. You can just go to hear others' opinions and advice on getting your baby to sleep, what to feed and how, breastfeeding advice and wisdom, etc. You can just go to see other babies and get perspective on what yours is doing and looking like. You can just go to hear the facilitator answer your one burning question about milk production. You can just go to see what the next stage will look like, after this one. Or you can just go to get reassurance about all the conflicting info you get on SIDS, cosleeping, car seats, whatever. Or, you can just go to get connected to one of the many play groups that develop out of the larger groups. Many of the play groups have lasted for years!
I've always known (and often forget) that I process complex issues externally, by writing about them or talking them out. Never having tried group therapy, this is the closest I have gotten, I suppose. Sometimes the topics get very personal, and you can choose how revealing you want to be. Mostly, though, they are right around most people's comfort level, not too intimate but still juicy enough to feel very relevant.
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| O showing off |
Oh, and your baby gets something out of it, too. At first it might seem hard to tell, but as they get a bit more aware, they are able to connect with and watch other babies more and more, and they seem to get inspired by each other. They might even start to show off a bit, like O is known to do.
Groups are good for many things: prenatal yoga group, birth preparation group, miscarriage support group, surrounded-by-babies-and-not-sure-if-I-want-my-own group, depression support group, empty nest group, menopause group. It's a way to honor the stage in life that you are in and get perspective on from others who actually understand, especially if those around you are in a different life stage.
I'm sure that not all groups are as effective as ours, but even if a few factors are out of sync, I think there would still be great benefit to trying it out. My well-meaning husband does not know or research as much as many mothers put together, and I come back with the confidence and knowledge to help both of us be more effective parents. We have had meet ups with other parents, both moms and dads, met nannies for nanny shares, found products, shared products, and mostly shared our timely and important questions that needed supportive answers.
Is that enough group pushing?
It's amazing to me how fast the first few weeks of a new baby disappear, and the worries and issues which seemed so huge are eclipsed by new issues and quickly forgotten. What I've discovered is that most moms I talked to have forgotten how those first few weeks felt, or they misremembered them. My own mother forgot that at one time, she had worried about whether I (her baby) was getting enough milk, because it resolved soon and she moved on. Someone told me that those first few weeks were the very best, and that it only got harder after that. I would disagree and ask if she misremembered them, because, while the beginning was magic, it felt like we were fumbling in the dark until we got to know our baby. I feel that it is easier now, since we can read O's cries better, I'm not on an emotional seesaw, and we have some confidence about baby-soothing skills. Also, people say that the only reason women have more kids is that they forget the pain of birth--there is a biological purpose to forgetting. Below is an excerpt of a letter I wrote to a new mom when O was about three weeks, in order not to forget:
- MILK: My milk was slow to come in, and the books didn't talk much about that. They say "WHEN your milk comes in on day three, (or maybe four), but they don't talk about those whose don't or supplies that are low. I have been to a lactation consultant 5-6 times, and it was incredibly helpful.(I would, however suggest trying to see the same person or just a few. 5-6 different lactation consultants who have slightly different approaches can feel a bit disjointed.) We are fine, Ollin started gaining again and reached his original birth weight closer to 3 weeks. I just went to a mom's group and found out that this is super common. Half the women I met had issues with milk supply.
- VISITORS: Family is so tricky. I really wanted someone there when we came home from the hospital. Then I wanted them gone. Then I wanted help, etc. We found that the most useful thing was for someone to be there early in the morning to take the baby so papa and mama could get a few extra hours of sleep. People staying with us was hard, even in our big house, because I was very emotional and also because breastfeeding was something I wasn't wanting to share with everyone. When shannon's dad/step-mom were here I went upstairs to breastfeed, and that probably saved me because I got private time with Ollin every few hours. They were very helpful and gave us lots of space, but I still needed breaks. I'd say two days at a time would've been ideal to have people there, and then I wanted space.
- Everything is temporary. When your baby's cries break your heart and you find yourself crying too, remember that you'll get used to it and it's temporary. Shannon and I felt a bit panicky at first because it wasn't just a baby cry, it was OUR BABY and we could barely stand it.
- If your body feels pretty good at first, still be gentle with it. I had no pain down there for the first four or five days, but then I had pain after that. Apparently it's normal to be numb for a few days. Oh, and did I mention that it's normal to cry a lot and for no reason? It's true.
- My midwife said to go home and be naked in bed with our baby for a week or so, and let people take care of us. It's so amazing to watch Shannon be a papa, in some ways I feel like our marriage just started. It's so great to trust him and be able to take a walk around the block or go to the store (I can't be away any longer because it hurts!) In fact, and apparently this is normal, Shannon can soothe him and get him to sleep better than me often because when I hold him, he just wants to nurse.
- This week I went to a moms' group up the street, and I was the newest mom for sure, but they all said they wished they'd come earlier. I found it soooo helpful because the little things I'd been wanting to know were mostly answered by sitting with a bunch of moms doing mom things. Also, it was a good first step for me getting out and being in a supportive environment where I could breastfeed and change a diaper and have a crying baby and everyone else was doing the same. They connected me with other activities like dad's groups and mommy matinees!
- It's all the little things that bewildered us, like what to dress him in for sleeping. Thats where people's advice is great.
Here's the story of O's birth. As we prepared for the birth with exercises, classes, thoughts fears and intentions, we hoped we would have a good story to share with our son each year on his birthday. We talked to people with traumatic experiences or just births that didn't go how they wanted, and it was a struggle for them to frame the story so their child could enjoy hearing it. We lucked out: things went differently than we expected, but they went well, and it's a good story!
First, my pregnancy was a bit different than I expected. I've always been moderately thin (a little belly pooch), small-breasted, etc. In pregnancy, I got enormous, all in the belly. I got lots of the comments that pregnant women love: "are you having twins?" "Wow, you're huge!" My breasts fluctuated through lots of changes. I remember driving down the freeway and getting a pain in my breast so strong that I grabbed it. A truck driver saw me and honked nice and loud. Lovely.
Our plan was a natural waterbirth-hypnobirth. My mom, a hypnotherapist, helped me prepare for the hypnobirth with relaxation and visualization tracks on my ipod. I bought into some but not all of the hypnobirthing philosophy. Helping my body open up and relax with visualizations seemed quite logical, as did keeping the room calm and reducing distractions. Reframing the language around birth also made sense. But thinking that there would be "only pressure, no pain", or that there would be no need to push did not sound quite realistic. Maybe my realism was a self-fulfilling prophecy, I don't know. I took what I could from it, and it definitely helped me prepare for birth beforehand.
Being two weeks late, as far as the OHSU midwives would let me go, I was reluctantly induced. I had tried acupuncture twice (for $150 a pop) and twice my labor started, but then petered out. Much reassurance was given that the midwives would try mechanical induction methods first that Pitocin would be the last resort, and even then, it would be slow and monitored. We went in on a Wednesday morning, full of anticipation, still trying to encourage/cajole my body into starting on its own.
They began with a foley bulb, which is a tube put into your cervix with a water balloon that slowly inflates and expands the cervix. It only halfway worked. I got Misoprostil, the artificial prostoglandin which dilates the cervix, in two four hour sessions. A day and night of small contractions that I tried to imagine were getting bigger and closer together was frustrating. So was trying to sleep in a hospital bed. Finally, Thursday morning, the midwives said it was time for Pitocin. I was resigned to it. We asked if we could have breakfast and a shower first. I got my shower, but then my body kicked into gear on its own. I only got to have a few bites of huevos rancheros before I realized that it was finally happening. No huevos for me.
Shannon called our doula Venessa, and she arrived shortly. Quickly she and Shannon became a seamless team. I would have a contraction and I would yell, and she would encourage me to vocalize while Shannon rubbed my back or held onto me. I suppose I was having back labor, because as the intensity increased, I demanded the hip-squeeze, and eventually the butt squeeze. I required that they use all their strength to squeeze my hips together. They kept me super hydrated with water, Recharge (we brought a whole case to the hospital), protein drinks and fruit. They took turns with breaks so smoothly that I barely noticed when one was gone. They helped me in and out of the bathtub, down the hall, up and down but hardly ever on the bed.
The midwives/nurses filled up the water birth tub for me, which is quite an ordeal. The tub takes up most of the room, and they use a hose from the shower in the bathroom. Shannon and I went in. It felt soooo good in between contractions, but the water actually seemed to intensify the contractions for me. We got in and out a few times and I started to fear the contractions. The midwife wanted me to increase the intensity and shorten the distance between my contractions, so we just kept moving and hardly ever sat down or laid down on the bed. She also heard me vocalizing and suggested that I mellow it out, leave room for my contractions to intensify even more and have a voice left. I tried to take this in stride, but was slightly discouraged when she kept telling me I needed to get them stronger and closer together. Ultimately, my body dilated fully with contractions 4-6 minutes apart! It was sort of surprising to everyone involved. Of course I had nothing to compare to, nor did I have any sense of time.
I had planned to avoid an epidural if at all possible (that goes for a C-section too, of course). Halfway into labor, I thought "I can see why people get epidurals, and I see nothing wrong with it at all." The only thing that kept me from asking for one was that I HATE needles and the idea of something being stabbed into my spine was worse than the idea of the pain. What kept me going during labor was my team, for sure. I don't think I actually have a high tolerance for pain; I just relied on Shannon and Venessa to be my strength. Really, I physically leaned on them, sometimes putting all my 172 pounds around Shannon's neck. Also, all the preparation--the classes, the reading, the yoga and visualization--served to keep me from going to a place of fear, and it allowed me to stay in the moment. That and the pain of one contraction was all-consuming to the point that I didn't have chance to think too much.
When my water finally broke, I didn't notice that Venessa slipped out of the room for a moment. I was absorbed by the fact that water was gushing out of me, all over my legs, my slippers, the floor; everywhere I went I leaked. When she came back she had a nurse with her. After a while she calmly told me that there was meconium in the amniotic fluid, and that the midwife would come in to check it out, but it was probably fine. The midwife came and was just as calm and reassuring. She said that it happened in 30% of births, and it could mean nothing at all. It did change our plan. I could continue to labor in the water tub, but I couldn't give birth there. And there would need to be a pediatric team in the room when I crowned, in case there was an issue with the baby. The concern is if the baby had gotten meconium in his lungs. I said fine, get rid of the tub. They checked me and I only had a lip of cervix left, SOOO CLOSE!
A bit more contracting and gushing, and then there was a midwife/nurse shift change. The new midwife checked me and I was there! I started pushing, in the bed, on my side, using Shannon as an anchor, in a headlock. In retrospect, we really could've used the bar over the bed, but never thought to ask. I pushed for a good two hours, being directed to focus the energy down and out. I thought, well, there's no way out now but to push. At least if I keep pushing, I won't have to be pregnant any more. Oh, and I get a baby! When people were saying "here he comes", "there's his head", I thought they were just being nice. It seemed like he couldn't really be coming out already, but boom, there he was, placed on my chest, all bright and heavy and breathing! He was vigorous, though had some mucus to be cleared out. I never even noticed the pediatric team, waiting in the wings. Someone could come up to me on the street and say "hey, I was at your birth. I watched a baby come out your yoni" and I wouldn't know who they were.
I think I remember saying "is this real?" We talked to him, he suckled slightly, we caressed him and gazed in amazement, and then I noticed that other things were going on down there. My body wasn't contracting to get the placenta out. After all that natural labor, I ended up getting more misoprostil, Pitocin stabbed into my leg, and eventually a narcotic anesthetic in an IV, because the midwife had to manually remove my placenta. It didn't matter though, because he was out of me, and I had snuggled him, and during that operation, he was snuggling with Shannon, skin to skin, bonding. I felt elated, triumphant, and pretty tired. He nursed successfully, our family came in and gazed in amazement, he weighed in at a whopping 9 pounds 3 ounces, and the journey had begun.
Busy day. Here are some awesome blogs to check out. I've highlighted my favorite posts.
The Rookie Moms Blog has this brilliant idea that I wish I'd thought of: 25 things to do on maternity leave. It's awesome because the writing is great and the ideas are exactly what a new mom needs. Here's one: http://www.rookiemoms.com/write-a-did-do-list/ .
She also has tips for how to fit a shower into your day---[HOLD THE PRESSES! My baby just smiled in his sleep]--- Okay, anyway, she has this great list that includes things that will help you build confidence going out and about as a new mom, like scouting out the baby-friendly bathrooms and nursing spots, and going to a Mommy Matinee, which I have already done! She also has the brilliant idea for couples to pretend one night that they are teenagers babysitting rather than parents in their own home.
The other one that I just have to read daily is Mommy Shorts. She is a brilliant writer with the right sense of humor for me. Here are a few of my favorites:
http://www.mommyshorts.com/parenting-math and for father's day, this one.
I also adore the writing (and the people) in this one:
http://therhodeslog.blogspot.com
Strange that I started this blog by talking about the garden when my main focus in life right now is this tiny creature in my lap. Creature? Yes, my husband and I always remind ourselves that he is a little person. Sometimes I wonder if humans are more like frogs and insects in that the change between little person and adult seems like a metamorphosis. Sure, we're born with arms and legs and the same basic anatomy, but he's just such a tiny, amazing being.
Waiting till I was 36 to have a baby has been somewhat conscious: I explored the world a lot before entering into family responsibilities. But now that I have been through it, I find it hard to imagine that I was missing out on experiencing this process for so long. Sure, I knew that pregnancy and birth were cool and how it all worked, biologically, but going through it is enlightening, of course. It amazes me that everyone came out of someone's vagina (or abdomen, I suppose), that most people nursed on their mother's breasts (I hope it's most, though probably less), and that so many people have been through this experience and been transformed by it. I'm so glad I got there, and Shannon got there, even if later than some.
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