Portlandia of the Baby World

Hello from Portlandia. The thing I love about this show is that it is so very accurate in making fun of the people here. And yet I still love living here, or rather, Portlandia's humor makes it easier to live here, easier to co-exist with the skinny vegan bicycle dude with a bird on his hat at the farmers' market asking for gluten free bagels. And yes, I am guilty of some of the same Colin-questioning as the next resident of Lala land.

In regards to baby making, we all generally get them in there the same way. But when it comes to getting them out & what to do with them once they are out, Portland(ia) has its own take on every aspect and I'm so very thankful to be living here. There are so many more alternatives available here for every aspect of child rearing. It's easy to accept the way we do it here as the norm, and I certainly wish it was in most cases. I forget that in the US, the rate of cesarean section is over 30% (http://www.childbirthconnection.org/article.asp?ck=10554) , that in some places, midwives are considered unusual or fringe and that breastfeeding for at least six months is at a rate of 47% nationally (CDC's Breastfeeding Report Card). Here in PDX, we are ahead of the game, which for childbirth means in some ways returning to the past, but with the benefits of today's medical technologies at hand. (PS: as I research this I noticed that Oregon has the highest rate in the nation for breastfeeding at three months and six months! Hurray!)
Take my birth for example: I worked with midwives at OHSU, one of the top teaching hospitals in the country. We had a doula to coach us through the birth. We took two classes, one was "Birthing from Within" (which Shannon could barely stomach) and another more conventional Basics of Birth class from Kaiser. In our birth plan, we had included hypnobirthing, water birth, and as many steps as possible to avoid drugs or other interventions. Once born, we co-slept with our baby, worked through many a breastfeeding issue with lactation consultants, breastfed exclusively for as long as possible (still happening), bought into all the alternative toys, carriers, and other baby gear, joined a moms' group with like-minded people, and attempted the newest thing in feeding: baby-led weaning. 

Now don't get me wrong, I painstakingly researched every decision, and in the end I pretty much ended up doing what all the other moms of Portland(ia) were already doing.

I think that wherever you live, parenthood is a foray into confusing research, confounding choices and indoctrination into certain schools of thought. But somehow in Portland, there are just a lot more alternatives, or as some might see it, a lot more ways to go over the top with something. I don't care. It sure beats a hospital where doctors make all the choices for you, and going to Babies R Us for parenting information.

Fall Update and Big Questions

Hi. It's been a while. Thanksgiving has occurred. Solid foods are happening. O's body is inching toward various crawl-like positions, and the desire to move without the full understanding of how is making him alternate from frustration to excitement and back again. Working and having a babe is still hard, even though I'm working part time.

Thanksgiving: we had a very quiet one with my mom and step-dad, O, Shannon and I. And O's favorite new being, Ollie the cat. Now this cat is not like any other cat I have met. He's a Dr. Suess cat, with a long, curling orange tail and body that springs out of his tail. He purrs like a Tibetan Throat Singer. I think he has a triple purr. O's face upon touching his soft, orange fur is pure bliss. So much so that I may have convinced Papa that we need to get a cat for him. There is one caveat: we must get rid of our shedding rug before we get another "pet". 

Working. I know I have little to complain about compared to most. But I have to say, this working thing isn't currently working very well for me. Maybe it's because I'm working almost as hard as I did full time and every month don't know if I'm going to have enough money to cover my basics. After paying for four days worth of childcare from my part-time check, I have about $600-700 left for my student loan and groceries. Will I need to use a handful of change to get gas? Will I need to float the check to my childcare person or ask her (god forbid) to wait a day to cash it? Will I need to make something with all of the dry goods I have in the kitchen and avoid shopping again? Will I need to sell back clothes that I actually want to keep, rather than just the ratty ones that no one wants to take anyway? Now, I know I'm being a bit dramatic. My husband still has a full time job and we have only reduced our expenses somewhat. I still go to New Seasons a few times a month. I still get  a hot beverage when I really think I deserve a treat. We still have cable (i.e. high speed internet).  But there is something about a bank account being tight that affects me psychologically more than it should. It takes up more emotional space than it needs to. The stress affects other parts of my life inordinately.

It could be because I don't feel I can really give my all to my job, and at times I feel like I don't give my all to O because I'm distracted by work. I'm sure this push-pull will always exist. Some days though, I feel like I don't do anything well when I try to do everything. Would starting new jobs feel the same way? Is it easier to just push through this and keep doing something I know, rather than start something new that will take more of my energy to get started?

Sometimes the effects are on my milk supply. Feeling rushed at school when pumping, feeling pressured in the morning when I'm getting ready, and feeling stressed in general all take a toll on my milk supply, and I'm not producing as much. 

The long and short of it is that I have started looking at other options for work. My boss has actually suggested that I could take the rest of the year as unpaid leave of absence and still have my job in the fall. I wanted to quit right then, but I still need to come up with that $700+ a month. There must be some work that allows me to be home more days a week and make that much money. If nothing else, there's taking care of someone else's kid at the same time as taking care of O, for maybe 10-15 hours weekly. I've applied to some online jobs that look promising, and if I can come up with enough semi-guaranteed work, I will take that leave of absence!

Group Pushing

What? Are you seeing birthing classes with women synchronizing their labor? No, I was trying to say that I'm a pusher. Of groups. One of the most valuable things to me as a new mom has been this moms' group I've been going to at Providence Hospital. I've written about it a bit, but it really deserves its own post. Any new mom I talk to gets an earful about how they should try the groups. Now that I'm back at work, I hardly ever make it now, and I miss it immensely.

The great thing about a group is that moms can get whatever they want out of it. I should say parents, because there are also some dads who come and seem to get a lot out of it as well.  The format is super simple: 8-20 moms (or dads) sitting around in a circle, their 0-6 month old babes on a blanket, talking, feeding, changing diapers, tending to the babies in groups There is also a knowledgeable facilitator who keeps things on track. Besides giving birth, this has probably been the closest thing that has connected me to the primal aspect of being a mother. Sitting isolated in an apartment, seeing only a husband all day is not the way that humans developed for millions of years, and it isn't the way to nurture moms and babies. As I learned early on in relationships with men, one person is not enough to satisfy me--I need a community of others, especially women, to feel fulfilled in my life.

But even if that is not you, the groups are incredibly useful. You can just go to hear others' opinions and advice on getting your baby to sleep, what to feed and how, breastfeeding advice and wisdom, etc. You can just go to see other babies and get perspective on what yours is doing and looking like. You can just go to hear the facilitator answer your one burning question about milk production. You can just go to see what the next stage will look like, after this one. Or you can just go to get reassurance about all the conflicting info you get on SIDS, cosleeping, car seats, whatever. Or, you can just go to get connected to one of the many play groups that develop out of the larger groups. Many of the play groups have lasted for years!

I've always known (and often forget) that I process complex issues externally, by writing about them or talking them out. Never having tried group therapy, this is the closest I have gotten, I suppose. Sometimes the topics get very personal, and you can choose how revealing you want to be. Mostly, though, they are right around most people's comfort level, not too intimate but still juicy enough to feel very relevant. 

O showing off

Oh, and your baby gets something out of it, too. At first it might seem hard to tell, but as they get a bit more aware, they are able to connect with and watch other babies more and more, and they seem to get inspired by each other. They might even start to show off a bit, like O is known to do. 

Groups are good for many things: prenatal yoga group, birth preparation group, miscarriage support group, surrounded-by-babies-and-not-sure-if-I-want-my-own group, depression support group, empty nest group, menopause group. It's a way to honor the stage in life that you are in and get perspective on from others who actually understand, especially if those around you are in a different life stage.

I'm sure that not all groups are as effective as ours, but even if a few factors are out of sync, I think there would still be great benefit to trying it out. My well-meaning husband does not know or research as much as many mothers put together, and I come back with the confidence and knowledge to help both of us be more effective parents. We have had meet ups with other parents, both moms and dads, met nannies for nanny shares, found products, shared products, and mostly shared our timely and important questions that needed supportive answers. 

Is that enough group pushing?

How it was hard

[This week I went back to work as a teacher. We didn't have students yet, but I worked four days part time, and here are my thoughts so far.]

The photo I'm using at the lactation station to help me pump

It was hard in ways different than I expected. I thought it would just be hard to leave O and be away from him. That too, was difficult. The vulnerability of pumping at work and the minor but humorous (in retrospect) challenges I've encountered so far might be a whole different blog post. But more than that, it has been hard to adjust to all the things it means to be a teacher. At least, all the things it used to mean to me. I am enjoying reconnecting with colleagues, feeling professional, getting some intellectual stimulation. But as a teacher, I put my all and my heart into the work. Not just extra time beyond what I was paid, but extra energy and presence.  Working part time, I think I'll be able to cut back on the time I spend, and cut out unnecessary tasks, but do I cut back on the energy I give my students and my job? Or do I increase the energy I put out to have enough for both my baby and my job (and my husband, and myself)?

Getting prepared in the morning is a good metaphor for what I feel about the whole process. There are too many things for my brain to remember, too many items to pack. I have to get the breast pump, the pump materials, the milk, the milk carrier, the diaper bag and all its contents, the extra items that don't fit into the diaper bag, the pacifier, then any work items like my laptop, books or paperwork, my lunch, water, oh, and the baby. It's too much for my little brain to keep track of.

And my heart. My friend Kristy says that having a kid is like having your heart on the outside. She says it's like "there goes my heart, toddling away from me". And my heart has definitely expanded since O has been born. So now, the question is, is there room in my heart for both O and my students/job? Will my heart expand, or will I need to make choices about what to allow in and what to keep out? Obviously, I will keep my baby closest to my heart.

Still, I know that being a parent will make me a better teacher, in the ways that count. I will fully know that each of my students is somebody's baby, that somebody loved and loves him as much as I love this child. Parenting choices made after that are another story, though I'll probably be more empathetic about the difficulty of making these choices.

So, if you have any wisdom on how to make this adjustment easier, please send it my way. Otherwise, I'm wading through.

Things I've Gotten Better At, and Things I'm Not So Much

This post is inspired by Daddy Doing Work's Six Things I suck At Now that I'm a Parent. I realized that I have gotten skilled at a few odd tasks which never seemed useful before but now I am thankful that I am such a natural at them. Here they are:

Using my Feet

Actually, this one isn't really new. My step-dad used to get mad when I used my feet to turn on the VCR, press play, remove the video, etc. Now the dextrosity of my toes is very handy. I walked around today picking up all the items I needed with a fussy baby who wanted to be upright in my arms. Cloth is easiest, or things with straps. Books are hardest. Blueberries are not recommended. The trick is once you get it about knee high-- can you then grab it, or must you bring it all the way to your waist? 

Typing One-handed/at Very Odd Angles

I've always been pretty uptight about grammar and punctuation. As an English teacher, it seemed a requirement. I'm considering relaxing my stance, but I still feel really weird if I don't correct a missing apostrophe, or if I don't capitalize. It stays with me all day. Almost makes me want to give up typing completely. 

Eating/"Prepping Food" One-Handed

I put "prepping food" in quotes because I just got up with one hand supporting O on the breast-friend (pillow), got out a container of refried beans, cut some cheese rudimentarily, and plopped back down to my "meal". I called beans a la tupperware.

Being Bossy

Believe it or not, I used to have a hard time asking others to do things for me. Now that I have no choice, it's liberating. My dad has probably received the majority of my bossiness, but that's because he is utterly untamed, and every domestic item must be explained: how to change a diaper, boil noodles, open the dishwasher, etc. 

Cooking

It's amazing what can be done when you don't come home exhausted after wrangling 13-year-olds all day. When Shannon entertains Ollin, I can come up with some pretty decent meals. This will most likely change in September. At least I have time to get a few favorites under my belt. 

Sitting on the Couch

Well, honestly, I perfected this one during pregnancy. And then someone told me that this most relaxed position wasn't good for my baby's birth position. Dammit! So I perfected laying on the couch, which is not as easy as it sounds when you're huge and your couch is actually a puffy love seat. I got so good at it that sometimes I had to wake up in the middle of the night, have a snack and lay on the couch rather than go back to bed. 

Now, I could still use more exercise, but I have no guilt about sitting here, breastfeeding for hours upon hours. For some reason, my baby sleeps best with a nipple in his mouth. So I have a station set up, and I'm quite good at sitting here. 

Efficiency

I am getting this one, but it's still a work in progress. I know the importance of it, and at times I succeed in getting the diaper packed, the baby packed, and myself some water and a snack without going back upstairs five times or re-opening the garage door. Today I was actually on the freeway before I realized I had to go back for something. But in general, I'm more efficient than when I just had myself to tend to and I still made multiple trips back inside and upstairs. And, I often do something ahead of time because I know that by the time it needs to be done I'll be breastfeeding or otherwise indisposed! So proud of myself.

Things I'm worse at:

Being passive. I don't have time to sit around and wait for someone else to decide to take action or wonder if it is my place to say something, etc. I do try to sensor myself at our moms' group, though you probably wouldn't know it. I'd like to have an individual conversation with each person, or just co-facilitate. But apparently that's not my job. 

Thinking about work. 

Exercise.

Taking my vitamins on schedule.

I'm sure there's more, or at least there will be when I go back to work part time in September. I'll keep you posted...

What Will Be Forgotten and Remembered

It's amazing to me how fast the first few weeks of a new baby disappear, and the worries and issues which seemed so huge are eclipsed by new issues and quickly forgotten. What I've discovered is that most moms I talked to have forgotten how those first few weeks felt, or they misremembered them. My own mother forgot that at one time, she had worried about whether I (her baby) was getting enough milk, because it resolved soon and she moved on. Someone told me that those first few weeks were the very best, and that it only got harder after that. I would disagree and ask if she misremembered them, because, while the beginning was magic, it felt like we were fumbling in the dark until we got to know our baby. I feel that it is easier now, since we can read O's cries better, I'm not on an emotional seesaw, and we have some confidence about baby-soothing skills. Also, people say that the only reason women have more kids is that they forget the pain of birth--there is a biological purpose to forgetting. Below is an excerpt of a letter I wrote to a new mom when O was about three weeks, in order not to forget: 

• MILK:  My milk was slow to come in, and the books didn't talk much about that. They say "WHEN your milk comes in on day three, (or maybe four), but they don't talk about those whose don't or supplies that are low. I have been to a lactation consultant 5-6 times, and it was incredibly helpful.(I would, however suggest trying to see the same person or just a few. 5-6 different lactation consultants who have slightly different approaches can feel a bit disjointed.)  We are fine, Ollin started gaining again and reached his original birth weight closer to 3 weeks. I just went to a mom's group and found out that this is super common. Half the women I met had issues with milk supply.  
• VISITORS: Family is so tricky. I really wanted someone there when we came home from the hospital. Then I wanted them gone. Then I wanted help, etc. We found that the most useful thing was for someone to be there early in the morning to take the baby so papa and mama could get a few extra hours of sleep. People staying with us was hard, even in our big house, because I was very emotional and also because breastfeeding was something I wasn't wanting to share with everyone. When shannon's dad/step-mom were here I went upstairs to breastfeed, and that probably saved me because I got private time with Ollin every few hours. They were very helpful and gave us lots of space, but I still needed breaks. I'd say two days at a time would've been ideal to have people there, and then I wanted space. 
• Everything is temporary. When your baby's cries break your heart and you find yourself crying too, remember that you'll get used to it and it's temporary. Shannon and I felt a bit panicky at first because it wasn't just a baby cry, it was OUR BABY and we could barely stand it. 
• If your body feels pretty good at first, still be gentle with it. I had no pain down there for the first four or five days, but then I had pain after that. Apparently it's normal to be numb for a few days. Oh, and did I mention that it's normal to cry a lot and for no reason? It's true. 
• My midwife said to go home and be naked in bed with our baby for a week or so, and let people take care of us. It's so amazing to watch Shannon be a papa, in some ways I feel like our marriage just started. It's so great to trust him and be able to take a walk around the block or go to the store (I can't be away any longer because it hurts!) In fact, and apparently this is normal, Shannon can soothe him and get him to sleep better than me often because when I hold him, he just wants to nurse. 
• This week I went to a moms' group up the street, and I was the newest mom for sure, but they all said they wished they'd come earlier. I found it soooo helpful because the little things I'd been wanting to know were mostly answered by sitting with a bunch of moms doing mom things. Also, it was a good first step for me getting out and being in a supportive environment where I could breastfeed and change a diaper and have a crying baby and everyone else was doing the same. They connected me with other activities like dad's groups and mommy matinees!  
• It's all the little things that bewildered us, like what to dress him in for sleeping. Thats where people's advice is great.

Baby Wonderment

Strange that I started this blog by talking about the garden when my main focus in life right now is this tiny creature in my lap. Creature? Yes, my husband and I always remind ourselves that he is a little person. Sometimes I wonder if humans are more like frogs and insects in that the change between little person and adult seems like a metamorphosis. Sure, we're born with arms and legs and the same basic anatomy, but he's just such a tiny, amazing being.

Waiting till I was 36 to have a baby has been somewhat conscious: I explored the world a lot before entering into family responsibilities. But now that I have been through it, I find it hard to imagine that I was missing out on experiencing this process for so long. Sure, I knew that pregnancy and birth were cool and how it all worked, biologically, but going through it is enlightening, of course. It amazes me that everyone came out of someone's vagina (or abdomen, I suppose), that most people nursed on their mother's breasts (I hope it's most, though probably less), and that so many people have been through this experience and been transformed by it. I'm so glad I got there, and Shannon got there, even if later than some.